Wildfire

The screaming drew him towards it like some terrible siren’s song.

Through the jagged hole in the floor, leaving scratches and splinters down his arms and legs. Along the hallway, back towards the front of his house, and into the dark doorway of his own bedroom, where the screaming was coming from.

The scene before him was so familiar that for a moment he thought he was back in that demolished classroom, watching Cora’s last moments. Then his mind finished processing what he was seeing. The Nightmare stood at the spot his bed should’ve been, but the bed had been flipped upwards against the wall, exposing the person who’d been hiding beneath it. Ridley was now in the Nightmare’s grasp, his screams growing weak, a familiar look of abject horror on his face. He’d almost been driven inside. He was fully visible again, and Adam had the horrible realisation that he’d removed everyone’s invisibility when he removed his own, exposing Ridley and Moan to the Nightmare.

It’s all my fault…

He’d hid under the house and left Ridley up here in danger.

All my fault…

He’d hid behind Cora, and let her face the Nightmare on her own.

All my fault…

He’d hid under the blankets time and time again while his mum defended him against his father.

I lost them all, and it’s all my fault. Because I did nothing.

Ridley’s screams stopped.

A sense of clarity swept away the noise in Adam’s mind - a focus that permeated each of his senses, making him both keenly alert and icy calm at the same time. White lightning flashed around him, and he was no longer Adam the frightened little boy. He was Adam the warrior, gleaming sword in one hand, shield in the other, armoured in silver steel, taller and stronger and vastly greater in every way. He was the Adam he always pretended to be in his wildest daydreams. The Adam that led battles, slew dragons, and sowed fear into the hearts of monsters.

The Nightmare turned its stricken face away from Ridley, just in time to see the first strike of the sword come arching down towards its neck.

The blade struck flesh, and while it failed to cut, the force was enough to knock the Nightmare off its feet. It dropped Ridley who crumpled to the ground. Whether he was completely lost inside, Adam couldn’t tell. His attention was locked squarely on the Nightmare, who was already springing back to its feet. Adam moved in, noticing for the first time that the calm he was feeling sat atop a much deeper emotion. It was not one he was very familiar with, which was perhaps why he hadn’t recognised it immediately. But as Adam threw himself at the Nightmare, raining down heavy blows of his sword over and over again, and finding that he liked the force of it, the strain on his muscles that proved just how hard each strike fell, he realised what was filling his entire being with such raw energy.

Adam was furious.

This monster - this manifestation of everything Adam despised about himself - had taken Cora from him, and now Ridley. It would not take anyone else. It would not live long enough to get the chance.

Adam charged at the Nightmare while it was still regaining its balance, slamming his shield into it with such momentum that they both went straight through the thin wall of his bedroom and crashed into the living room floor amongst a dusty pile of splintered plasterboard. Adam had the Nightmare pinned down beneath his shield, but those skeletal hands reached up and grabbed him by the shoulders. He realised he’d made a mistake getting this close just as he heard the rattling voice begin to chant inside his head.

Hurting me… fighting me… there is no need… I’ll keep you safe… I’ll help you hide… I’ll hide them all… the ones you love… you’ll all be safe… safe INSIDE…

“Nooooo!” Adam screamed into the Nightmare’s haunted face, feeling himself losing control, his calm anger giving way to panic. Every second that passed seemed to drain more of his strength and he felt himself turning back into the frightened little boy he’d always been. It’s drawing me in, Adam thought with cold certainty. It’s using my own fear against me. It’s trying to drown me in it. He realised he was no longer breathing, and all his effort now was being spent on resisting the urge to scream. I can’t let it have me. If I do, who will protect Moan and Gen? As if they’d heard their names being called, his eyes caught their shapes emerging through the doorway.

“Adam!” Gen’s voice cut through the air and pierced Adam’s heart, sending icy fear spreading through every vein in his body. He turned to see her standing just inside the doorway, trying to reach him but being held back by the thick arms of Moan.

“Get out of here!” Adam screamed, and the Nightmare turned its white, blood-shot eyes towards his friends.

You are afraid… afraid for them… I feel it’s true… so I will save them… then you will want… to be saved too…

The Nightmare shoved Adam with such strength he crashed into the ceiling before coming back down to land hard in the exact spot he’d started in. Only now there was no Nightmare trapped beneath him. It had leapt to its feet, and made it halfway across the room by the time Adam had even realised it had moved. So fast - was all his frantic mind could murmur. Much too fast.

Adam pushed himself to his knees, his sword and shield dropping out of his hands. The Nightmare was almost upon Gen and Moan now, who were scrambling backwards out of the room, but too slow - much too slow. Adam couldn’t watch another friend driven mad because of him. Because of the monster he’d created. But he also knew he’d never have the strength to kill it. Not with a sword like some storybook hero - trying to hack it into pieces like the nameless orcs they faced. Not by fuelling himself with anger or hate, or any other reflection of his own fear. Because the Nightmare was not some other thing, separate from him. It was him, just as those creatures beneath the house had been. Just as Banter had been. And Adam knew in that moment just how impossible it was to destroy a part of himself simply by hating it. He’d spent his whole life trying. Maybe it was finally time to try something else.

The Nightmare reached Gen, but Moan hurled himself in its path at the last moment, shielding the small girl behind him while screaming at her to run, ready to be the next one to fall if it meant that Gen would have a chance of escape.

It was all too much for Adam to bear. He drifted to his feet almost in a trance, and spoke to the Nightmare, his voice barely rising above a whisper because he knew there was no need to be loud. The words would resonate beyond any scream inside the Nightmare’s mind.

“Save me.”

The Nightmare froze with its hands so close to Moan’s flesh that it must’ve felt the warmth radiating off it. Its head turned slowly backwards, spinning on a skeletal thin neck that cracked nauseatingly as it continued well beyond the normal range of motion, until it was looking directly into Adam’s eyes.

“Please, I want to hide,” said Adam. “I want to be safe.” The rest of the Nightmare’s body turned to match its gaze. It began shuffling towards him, almost warily, like an animal unsure if the hand extended was offering something rewarding or punishing. “That’s why I made you, isn’t it? To help me disappear, inside. Well I’m ready now.” Adam helped close the distance between them, taking measured steps that matched the pace of the Nightmare’s. Moan remained frozen in place, with Gen still tucked behind him. Adam didn’t bother telling them to run. It would all be over soon, one way or another. Running made no difference now.

The Nightmare was close, close enough for Adam to hear its rhythmic voice… I will save you… help you hide… deep inside…

“Yes, deep inside,” agreed Adam as he raised his arms to embrace the Nightmare… “inside together.” Then he drew it into a crushing hug, pinning its arms to its sides, feeling the bones of its ribs beneath the thin layer of skin, their faces only inches apart. The last thing Adam remembered seeing were the rolling-white eyes - latticed with bursted blood vessels - before he was dragged into the darkness within.

It felt like falling. And as Adam fell there was a sense of mounting pressure, like he was sinking beneath the ocean and the weight of the water above him continued to increase, helping to drag him ever downwards. An impossible amount of weight to resist. It was only a matter of time until it crushed him completely, and though it was dark beyond measure Adam could still see and feel things, as if in some strange dream. No, not a dream, a nightmare, for what he saw were the things he’d never wanted to see again. The memories of his most fearful moments being forced so vividly on him that it was a hundred times worse than when he’d actually lived them.

The Nightmare attacking Gen and Moan - Ridley’s screams echoing beneath the house - Cora crumpling to the floor like a broken corpse - Marcus Kirk catching him at the bus stop and breaking him for all to see - his father handing him the note from his mother - running through the house from room to room searching for her - refusing to believe she would just leave him like this - that she could actually be gone - and something else, a memory so far back and so long buried he could barely see it, yet the fear that emanated from it eclipsed all the rest combined.

Adam fell into that endless void, a universe of his own terrible making. It engulfed and consumed him, until he could not bear to hold a single drop more. And just as he was sure the weight of it would kill him, he did something he’d never done before, the only thing left for him to do… he let some of it go.

Just a small piece - from the moment the Nightmare had turned on Gen and Moan - because they were safe for now, he knew that at least. Maybe he’d even bought them enough time to escape the house entirely. He let his fear for them pass right through him, felt it vanish, and a temporary moment where the immense weight holding him down seemed to lessen. But like water rushing into empty space, new fear rushed in to fill the gap. Something felt different about this fear though. It had a corrupted air to it, an almost stale taste that left Adam feeling defiled. He knew it was coming straight from the Nightmare itself, given to him like a transfusion in order to keep him trapped at this point of utter despair, buried in the darkest depths of himself. But that moment of subtle relief had found a wedge in his mind. Now it was stuck there, refusing to be moved by the crushing fear all around it. A permanent reminder to him that if he could lessen this weight once, he could do it again.

His mind steered him towards Ridley. He could hear him screaming as Adam was forced to relive the memory of his failed attempt to save him. He watched as the Nightmare finished driving Ridley inside, but then something different happened. Ridley turned and looked at Adam, and for a moment the horror on his face vanished and he was wearing his usual smirk. Adam heard a familiar voice with its heavy undertones of sarcasm, like everything was a joke that only he could understand… kick its ass for me, wildfire. The memory faded from his mind, and Adam let the fear it contained fade with it.

A sensation of release, a lessening of pressure, and a new influx of corrupted fear that was somehow both worse and better than his own.

Now he was back inside another memory. He felt the rungs of the ladder beneath his hands, knowing that at any moment Cora would come into view, and he would be forced to relive the moment he arrived too late to save her. But he never reached the top of the ladder. The memory changed, and now he was hiding behind the dusty pile of boxes with Cora beside him, the moment before she’d collapsed half the floor and sent Adam sprawling into the room below. She spoke to him again, word for word with the real memory, only now it wasn’t her voice he heard. It was his own. “I’ve dragged you all into this,” Cora said with Adam’s voice. “But I’m going to get you all out of it.”

This time so much fear passed from him that he felt himself beginning to rise out of the depths. The artificial fear from the Nightmare was terrible to hold, but it carried no real weight of its own. And Adam knew in that moment that the Nightmare couldn’t keep him trapped down here on its own. Not without his help.

He was sprinting down the street, past the spot where his bus should’ve been, towards the corner where he knew only pain and terror awaited him. But would he go through it all again, willingly, now that he knew it led to meeting Cora and the others? Yes, Adam believed he would. He stopped running and let Marcus catch him, but before the first punch landed the memory - and the fear - were gone.

The sensation of rising, and that sickly, tainted fear that made him feel like bugs were crawling beneath his skin.

He was sitting in his living room, the crumpled note his father had just handed to him was clutched in his trembling hands. The words on the note began to swim before his eyes, floating up off the paper in snippets, expanding as they neared like they wanted to be read. I can’t stay here - can’t keep loving you - living with a monster - I have to leave - not coming back… Adam shut his eyes violently, clenching them as hard as he could to hold back the flood of tears. He could feel himself sinking back down, into the deep.

“Not these memories,” Adam whispered to himself. “Not of her.” But there was no letting them go, and as he continued to sink deeper into himself, an even stronger fear started pulling at him - calling for him - from a memory that was so old and so buried that when it began he felt like he was experiencing it for the very first time.

He was in his house, and there was shouting coming from his parents’ room, worse than he ever remembered hearing. He moved towards their bedroom door that looked far too large - or was it him that was far too small? Adam peered through the gap at the room beyond, saw his parents locked in an embrace - no, not an embrace - some kind of struggle - a fight - and all around them the air cracked and shimmered with dazzling white light…

This fear was beyond anything he’d ever experienced. Worse than any beating. Worse than any monster. The two people he loved most in this world, the people he trusted and depended on - and they were hurting each other, perhaps even trying to kill each other, and he would lose one, or both of them, and how could he ever survive that? A child without parents was like daylight without the sun. To his young mind, it simply could not be.

He’d been too afraid to scream then, and the same was true now, but he was not that small child anymore, ignorant to what he was seeing. Now Adam recognised what was happening, at least in part. The flashes of white light could only mean one thing.

Mum was just like me…

Adam’s shock outweighed his fear a hundred to one, and it pulled him out of the memory, leaving him adrift in the darkness as he grappled with what this might mean. Had his mum known he’d been a maker this whole time? Had his father been forcing her to hide it? Is that why they’d been fighting? Is that why she’d left?

Adam needed answers, but he knew he’d never find them down here. The only thing these awful memories would ever give him is more questions.

He hadn’t been brave enough to protect his mother then, and he thought it had caused him to lose her forever, but maybe he’d just been too afraid to go and find her. Maybe it wasn’t too late.

Adam held onto that hope, and felt the fear of countless memories lose their hold on him. All those nights of his father’s shouting echoing through the house - all those days of his mum’s tears and fake smiles that looked like they hurt to wear - all of it left Adam like water retreating from a sandy shore, trying to drag at the grains but having no real purchase on the beach itself.

Adam felt himself rising up from the dark, and a fresh rush of corrupted fear coming from the Nightmare. There was an edge of panic to it now, as it tried to sink him back down all on its own, but Adam could finally see it for what it truly was. A creature that has only ever known terror. A creature that just wants to do what it had been made to do, and protect its maker from the world. Adam was the one that taught the Nightmare it should be afraid of everything, and that the only way to escape was to let that fear drive you deep inside yourself, and keep you there. Before the Nightmare, Adam had never once faced his fears, not like he’d done tonight. The Nightmare would never be able to understand how he’d done it, or why. The concept that you could overcome your fear instead of running from it, that you could choose to be brave in spite of feeling afraid, was completely missing from it. A void in its consciousness that Adam had failed to fill. And he knew that of all the creatures he’d created, the Nightmare was the one he’d most wronged. The one that had suffered the most because of what Adam made it, and was most deserving to be set free.

Adam’s guilt at what he’d done turned into tender pity, and it brushed aside all of the Nightmare’s corrupted fear as if it weighed no more than the fleeting thoughts of everyday life. The sensation of rising reached a crescendo, and Adam found himself back in his living room, still standing with the Nightmare held tightly in his arms. How much time had passed since he was first sent tumbling into the depths of his own mind? He had no idea, but he got the sense that almost no time had passed at all. He relaxed his hold on the Nightmare, and was shocked to see the face staring up at him.

What had once been ravaged by terror, had now slipped into something Adam found much harder to look at. A terrible, agonising sadness. Its rhythmic voice played inside his head, only now it actually sounded like the small, frail child it was.

Will you be safe now?

Adam felt his heart sink inside his chest and his face fall into a mirror of the Nightmare’s. “Yes. We both will be. Safe inside, just like I promised.” Then he took it all back - everything he’d forced it to endure - every broken part of himself - and the Nightmare became a beam of bright white light as it was taken back where it came from. Adam felt the last of its fear fade away, and knew that the Nightmare was gone forever, because the Adam who had made it was gone forever too.